Funny Star Trek Quotes

[Julian]

GO THE TRIBBLLEEESS!!!!!!

[Yagr Ramsey]

"He's right, you know.  I do dislike communists, and I do sleep alot."

[Kyle Boh]

*falls down laughing*

How about this?

I'm too sexy for Starfleet, too sexy for the Romulans, Bev's gonna leave me...
I'm too sexy for my uniform, too sexy for my uniform, so sexy it hurts. And I'm too sexy for France, too sexy for France, Romulas, and Pacifica.
And I'm too sexy for your diplomatic function, too sexy for your diplomatic function, no way I'm talking with ambassadors.
I'm the Captain, you know what I mean, and I order Earl Grey in the Ready Room, yeah in the Ready Room, in the Ready Room yeah, I contact Starfleet Command in the Ready Room.
I'm too sexy for my starship, too sexy for my starship, oh galaxy, oh Enterprise. And I'm too sexy for my chair, too sexy for my chair what do you think about that?

[Vorak]

Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will.

"We've secretly switched the dilithium crystals with new Folger's Crystals... let's watch what happens."

"I can't believe it. I've heard of this disease."
- Beverly

Honk if you've slept with Riker.

Defect borg: Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated.

Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull.

"Everyone, stand back. He's got a magnet!"
- Data

"Captain, could I play some jazz?"
"Make it soul, No. 1"

"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."

"I sense millions of minds focused on my cleavage."
- Troi

It's the Borg! Quick, everyone try and look useless!

"Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..."
- Kirk

Don't let Kirk show you what he affectionately calls the 'Captain's Log'

Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim

Captain Kirk, meet my father. He's Dad, Jim.

AAAAAGGGGHHHH"
- Any "Classic" Star Trek Security officer sometime during the show.

Real Trekkies work out at the 'He's Dead Gym'

He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?"

"Scotty, beam us aboard".
"Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?"

[Peter Ktara]

"YEEAHHH! TRIBBLES!"
Bill Gates Of Borg: You will all become one with Microsoft.
Spock da Pauper: The needs of the pennies outweigh the needs of the few, or the one...
Yagr Ramsey: Zzzzzzzz.........What?  Whatsa matter?  Communists?
Tribble: SQUEAK!
Ad for Star Trek Family Reunion: Honky Trek: The White Flight

[Will Karelia]

Are you a Mac user, Tomas?

[yugiman3000]

NOW THAT IS FUNNY! LOL LOL!

[Vorak]

BorgDOS: Press any key to assimilate...

BorgDOS: Assimilate, Resist, Futile?

BorgDOS: Bad command or filename. Your data will be assimilated.

BorgDOS: Insert disk to be assimilated in drive A: and press any key to continue.

WinBorg: General Protection Fault. Assimilate?

SpockBorg: Resistance is illogical.

[Tomas Goransson]

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

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Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [puzzled] hat the #### is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays] Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard: How much time will that buy us?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify.

Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers] This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified] Lawyers!!

Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard:Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

[Vorak]

LOL!

[Vorak]

How many _____ does it take to change a lightbulb?

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StarTrek lightbulb jokes

Klingons: "Klingons do NOT change lightbulbs!"

Vulcans: Exactly 1.00000000

Ensigns: They can't, they get electrocuted everytime they go near one.

Androids: "Lightbulb: a device for giving out light. An object emitting photons on command. Invented by Thomas Alva Edison in... Yes, sir!"

Borg: "Changing the bulb is irrelevant. It will be assimilated."

Q: "Changing lightbulbs is boring, I'll set it as a test for Jean-Luc!"

Troi: "I sense a lot of bad humor here"

Riker: "What the ####?"

Picard: (insert a long pro-lightbulb speech here, involving rights to be changed, etc)

Geordi: "The illumination device requires high frequency replacement but by replacing it with an isolinear multidimensional matrix chip, we can increase the power output by 42%."

Wesley: "I can do that!"

Kirk: "Spock... isthere... any... way... we... can..."

Spock: "Captain, sensor's show that this lightbulb is not operational"

McCoy: "It's dead, Jim" or "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"

Scotty: "We're running low on dilithium, Captain. I dunno how many more bulbs we can replace"

Chekov: "Light bulbs were inwented in Russia" (apologies to Russians)

Sulu: "Setting course for nearest electrical shop, Captain"

Uhura: "Should I hail Radio Shack, Captain?"

Ferengi: He'll sell you a new one... double price (and you'll think it's a bargain!)

Tribbles: .

[Peter Ktara]

"LAWYERS DIE! BOO LAWYERS!  Seriously, though, that was good."

[Huw]

Top ten signs that Star Trek could have come to an end

10. Voyager finally comes home, pursued by the Borg, Krenim, Voth, Hirogen, Devore, Vaadwaur and Species 8472 who, in a joined effort, conquer the Alpha quadrant.

9. Data's famous last words when he discovers a decloaking and firing Warbird: "Oh s$$t, it's green".

8. Q's son plays "planet pool" in Federation space.

7. Someone mistakes the starship CGIs of Babylon 5 for those of Star Trek. Update: Actually, this has already happened, notice that the incursion ship from "The Year of ####" looks like the Babylon 5 station...

6. Morn begins to talk and cannot be stopped.

5. The Borg send more than one cube to assimilate the Federation while Jean-Luc is on vacation on the Ba'ku planet.

4. The Borg suddenly introduce huge round starships and wear white plastic uniforms and helmets.

3. The whole galaxy is trapped in a time loop so "The Cage" can be announced as a brand new episode.

2. The Enterprise-F is commissioned, a starship with a warp-nacelle-forward design and under the command of Captain Wesley C.

1. The Ferengi join the Federation and force all women to be naked all the time. Consequently, the American television will have to boycott the show.

Top ten things that never happened on Voyager

10. Janeway encounters Q and asks him to take the ship home.

9. Janeway takes any chance to get home.

8. Voyager is attacked, and none of the crew is hurt by an exploding plasma conduit.

7. Voyager is not attacked.

6. At the end of an episode, Voyager is in better shape than at the beginning.

5. Voyager encounters a completely intact cube and is immediately destroyed like usual starships.

4. Voyager runs out of shuttles/crew members.

3. A shuttle gets into an electromagnetic atmospheric turbulence. However, due to the excellent pilot abilities of Janeway/Chakotay/Tuvok the shuttle lands safely.

2. The crew are forced to play in a Shakespeare drama instead of just loitering in the holodeck.

1. Neelix discovers the secret of tasteful clothing.

Ten more things that never happened on Voyager suggested by Martin Schulz

10. Compatibility problems with alien technology cannot be solved.

9. For once, alien technology is to Voyager's benefit.

8. Voyager returns after 70 years and the crew consists of a colorful bunch of human/alien half-breeds born on the ship.

7. Janeway learns that bending the rules does not necessarily mean breaking the rules.

6. A battle is lost because the weak point of the vastly superior enemy is not found.

5. Janeway realizes that it is better to avoid the territory of a vastly superior enemy. No chance - we're gonna fight it out. Let the Prime Directive be d*mned.

4. Small injuries of main characters such as blindness, disease or trivialities like death cannot be undone.

3. Someone needs more hairspray than Janeway.

2. Chakotay and Janeway

1. A new female crew member comes on board who looks better than Seven of Nine.

Even more things that never happened on Voyager

10. The crew needs more than one week to accomplish a major technological breakthrough.

9. Another wormhole is detected, but this time Harry Kim is not excited about it at all.

8. Seven realizes that Voyager has been in the Beta Quadrant already for months.

7. Tom notices that his Delta Flyer is taller than the shuttlebay door, but after all, he is a good pilot.

6. Janeway wakes up, only to realize that the whole 5th to 7th season was a dream, and all the events in "The Year of ####" did actually take place.

5. B'Elanna creates holographic projections of the crew to attend the Doctor's slide shows.

4. The cryogenic chambers or the cloning lab are shown. The many crew members must come from somewhere, unless the lower ranks are frequently surgically altered.

3. Tom is demoted to crewman for not switching off the lights in shuttlebay 2, wherever this may be.

2. Harry and Seven

1. Janeway suffers a caffeine shock.

U.S.S. Windows NT-98

The story of Bill Gates comparing the computer industry and the auto industry is well-known: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a humorous press release, describing the way cars would behave if they were like Microsoft products.

This is what Starfleet ships developed by Microsoft would be like:

1. For no reason whatsoever your warp core would be dropped twice a day.

2. Every time they changed the main interstellar flight routes you would have to get a new ship.

3. Occasionally your starship would die in outer space for no reason, and you would just accept this, reinitialize the engines and warp on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your engines to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the warp core.

5. Only one person could work on the ship at a time, unless you bought "Starship98" or "StarshipNT". But, then you would have to buy more bridge modules.

6. Macintosh would make a starship that was powered by a stable Omega molecule, had quantum slipstream drive, was reliable and twice as easy to fly, but would only run between Earth and Vulcan.

7. The antimatter containment, structural integrity and shield failure messages would be replaced by a single "general starship failure" warning.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt (poor Scotty!).

9. The deflector shields would say "Are you sure?" before going up.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your ship would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Well, how this can be accomplished on a starship, remains unanswered...

11. Utopia Planitia would require all starship buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Mark IV tricorders, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the ship's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Utopia Planitia would become a target for investigation by the Federation Council.

12. Everytime Utopia Planitia introduced a new class, ship personnel would have to learn how to operate it all over again because none of the controls would work in the same manner as on the old ship.

13. You'd have to say "engage" to shut down the engines.

Top ten fun things to do aboard a Borg cube

10. Return their favor and blind them with a laser pointer.

9. Make a shuttle race around the central core.

8. Replay Janeway's words "That's how I prefer the Borg. In pieces." every hour.

7. Occasionally create false sensor readings of Species 8472.

6. Record "We are the Borg", "You will be assimiliated" and "Resistance is futile" and make a hip-hop song of it.

5. Let them assimilate a Windows PC.

4. As soon as a Borg enters the alkove for regeneration, play "Silent Night".

3. Put 100W lightbulbs into the lamp shades of the alkoves.

2. Program all nanoprobes to create collective diarrhoea.

1. Fill the tubes to a Borg's mouth with helium and let him say "Resistance is futile".

Top ten fun things to do aboard a Klingon Bird-of-Prey

10. Turn the cargo bay into an aquarium.

9. Take a dentist with you who may earn a fortune.

8. Embarrass the captain by asking how long his ship actually is.

7. Call the decorator who designed the Galaxy-class bridge to make some improvements.

6. Ask the older crew members when they had their forehead surgery.

5. Occasionally play Tribble squeaks from your tricorder.

4. Fry the gagh and serve it with ketchup.

3. Secretly deinstall the cloaking device and use it to hide your comfortable mattress.

2. Move the wings up and down until they break off.

1. Pour a few cans of strawberries into the bloodwine.

ENJOY!