BorgDOS Joke

[Julia Rellek]

Check this out.

http://www.sjacob.org/trek/humour/

(Reasons why Janeway is better than Picard is the best)

[James Walker]

I was taking it literally. I knew he lost the Stargazer and Enterpise-D. Of course he did get the Stargazer back.

[yugiman3000]

MicroBorg Windows Assimilater98 [Version 1.1.1000]
<C> Copyright 2003 - 2004 MicroBorg Corp.

C:\Assimilated Documents And Settings\BorgMan2000>
Assimilate C:\Assimilated Documents And Settings\BorgMan2000\Desktop

BorgDOS> We Will Comply
.....
.....
.....
BorgDOS> Assimilated

C:\Assimilated Documents And Settings\BorgMan2000> Kill Me

BorgDOS> 'Kill' is not a recognized as an internal or exlernal commans,
operable program or batch file
.....
.....
.....
BorgDOS> For Your Action 'Kill', we Assimilate the Hard Drive on this Vessel
.....
.....
.....

BorgDOS> The Borg Have Full Control Now, Resistance Is Futile, Assimilate Everything we will

[James Walker]

7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0

Which two? Do they mean what happened on 'All Good Things'?

These are some of my favorites:

28. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.

31. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

50. Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.

[Will Karelia]

These are really long jokes submitted by Huw on the Expansion Sector Board:

Top ten signs that Star Trek could have come to an end

10. Voyager finally comes home, pursued by the Borg, Krenim, Voth, Hirogen, Devore, Vaadwaur and Species 8472 who, in a joined effort, conquer the Alpha quadrant.

9. Data's famous last words when he discovers a decloaking and firing Warbird: "Oh s$$t, it's green".

8. Q's son plays "planet pool" in Federation space.

7. Someone mistakes the starship CGIs of Babylon 5 for those of Star Trek. Update: Actually, this has already happened, notice that the incursion ship from "The Year of ####" looks like the Babylon 5 station...

6. Morn begins to talk and cannot be stopped.

5. The Borg send more than one cube to assimilate the Federation while Jean-Luc is on vacation on the Ba'ku planet.

4. The Borg suddenly introduce huge round starships and wear white plastic uniforms and helmets.

3. The whole galaxy is trapped in a time loop so "The Cage" can be announced as a brand new episode.

2. The Enterprise-F is commissioned, a starship with a warp-nacelle-forward design and under the command of Captain Wesley C.

1. The Ferengi join the Federation and force all women to be naked all the time. Consequently, the American television will have to boycott the show.

Top ten things that never happened on Voyager

10. Janeway encounters Q and asks him to take the ship home.

9. Janeway takes any chance to get home.

8. Voyager is attacked, and none of the crew is hurt by an exploding plasma conduit.

7. Voyager is not attacked.

6. At the end of an episode, Voyager is in better shape than at the beginning.

5. Voyager encounters a completely intact cube and is immediately destroyed like usual starships.

4. Voyager runs out of shuttles/crew members.

3. A shuttle gets into an electromagnetic atmospheric turbulence. However, due to the excellent pilot abilities of Janeway/Chakotay/Tuvok the shuttle lands safely.

2. The crew are forced to play in a Shakespeare drama instead of just loitering in the holodeck.

1. Neelix discovers the secret of tasteful clothing.

Ten more things that never happened on Voyager suggested by Martin Schulz

10. Compatibility problems with alien technology cannot be solved.

9. For once, alien technology is to Voyager's benefit.

8. Voyager returns after 70 years and the crew consists of a colorful bunch of human/alien half-breeds born on the ship.

7. Janeway learns that bending the rules does not necessarily mean breaking the rules.

6. A battle is lost because the weak point of the vastly superior enemy is not found.

5. Janeway realizes that it is better to avoid the territory of a vastly superior enemy. No chance - we're gonna fight it out. Let the Prime Directive be d*mn ed.

4. Small injuries of main characters such as blindness, disease or trivialities like death cannot be undone.

3. Someone needs more hairspray than Janeway.

2. Chakotay and Janeway

1. A new female crew member comes on board who looks better than Seven of Nine.

Even more things that never happened on Voyager

10. The crew needs more than one week to accomplish a major technological breakthrough.

9. Another wormhole is detected, but this time Harry Kim is not excited about it at all.

8. Seven realizes that Voyager has been in the Beta Quadrant already for months.

7. Tom notices that his Delta Flyer is taller than the shuttlebay door, but after all, he is a good pilot.

6. Janeway wakes up, only to realize that the whole 5th to 7th season was a dream, and all the events in "The Year of ####" did actually take place.

5. B'Elanna creates holographic projections of the crew to attend the Doctor's slide shows.

4. The cryogenic chambers or the cloning lab are shown. The many crew members must come from somewhere, unless the lower ranks are frequently surgically altered.

3. Tom is demoted to crewman for not switching off the lights in shuttlebay 2, wherever this may be.

2. Harry and Seven

1. Janeway suffers a caffeine shock.

U.S.S. Windows NT-98

The story of Bill Gates comparing the computer industry and the auto industry is well-known: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a humorous press release, describing the way cars would behave if they were like Microsoft products.

This is what Starfleet ships developed by Microsoft would be like:

1. For no reason whatsoever your warp core would be dropped twice a day.

2. Every time they changed the main interstellar flight routes you would have to get a new ship.

3. Occasionally your starship would die in outer space for no reason, and you would just accept this, reinitialize the engines and warp on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your engines to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the warp core.

5. Only one person could work on the ship at a time, unless you bought "Starship98" or "StarshipNT". But, then you would have to buy more bridge modules.

6. Macintosh would make a starship that was powered by a stable Omega molecule, had quantum slipstream drive, was reliable and twice as easy to fly, but would only run between Earth and Vulcan.

7. The antimatter containment, structural integrity and shield failure messages would be replaced by a single "general starship failure" warning.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt (poor Scotty!).

9. The deflector shields would say "Are you sure?" before going up.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your ship would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Well, how this can be accomplished on a starship, remains unanswered...

11. Utopia Planitia would require all starship buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Mark IV tricorders, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the ship's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Utopia Planitia would become a target for investigation by the Federation Council.

12. Everytime Utopia Planitia introduced a new class, ship personnel would have to learn how to operate it all over again because none of the controls would work in the same manner as on the old ship.

13. You'd have to say "engage" to shut down the engines.

Top ten fun things to do aboard a Borg cube

10. Return their favor and blind them with a laser pointer.

9. Make a shuttle race around the central core.

8. Replay Janeway's words "That's how I prefer the Borg. In pieces." every hour.

7. Occasionally create false sensor readings of Species 8472.

6. Record "We are the Borg", "You will be assimiliated" and "Resistance is futile" and make a hip-hop song of it.

5. Let them assimilate a Windows PC.

4. As soon as a Borg enters the alkove for regeneration, play "Silent Night".

3. Put 100W lightbulbs into the lamp shades of the alkoves.

2. Program all nanoprobes to create collective diarrhoea.

1. Fill the tubes to a Borg's mouth with helium and let him say "Resistance is futile".

Top ten fun things to do aboard a Klingon Bird-of-Prey

10. Turn the cargo bay into an aquarium.

9. Take a dentist with you who may earn a fortune.

8. Embarrass the captain by asking how long his ship actually is.

7. Call the decorator who designed the Galaxy-class bridge to make some improvements.

6. Ask the older crew members when they had their forehead surgery.

5. Occasionally play Tribble squeaks from your tricorder.

4. Fry the gagh and serve it with ketchup.

3. Secretly deinstall the cloaking device and use it to hide your comfortable mattress.

2. Move the wings up and down until they break off.

1. Pour a few cans of strawberries into the bloodwine.

ENJOY!

[Will Karelia]

Picard lost the Stargazer and the Enterprise-D.

I like:

When Janeway lands her ship, it can actually lift off again.

(They were referring to the Enterprise-D crashing on Veridian III, for those of you who havent seen ST: Generations)

[Donald Taylor]

Quote

Quote: from Will Karelia on 9:28 pm on July 26, 2003 Top ten things that never happened on Voyager 10. Janeway encounters Q and asks him to take the ship home.

I thought she did? Well, not right out and say it, but on 'Q2' she did say to Q, "Why not take us all the way?"

[Julia Rellek]

I loved those. (I'm a little buyist because Voyager is my favorite.)