Fisrt Contact Parody

[Will Karelia]

Alright, you asked for it...

--Star Trek: Insurrection--

Little Kid: Aaaah! There's a creepy mechanical head floating around our village!
Data: Zap! Pow!

Picard: Merde, I hate diplomatic functions. Quick, somebody come up with a contrived emergency so I won't have to dance with this vomit-ugly alien.
Idiot Admiral: Data just weirded out and started shooting up a planet.
Picard: Okay, that'll do.

Riker: Imzadi, I want to get it on with you.
Troi: Yuck!

Picard: Data, you are malfunctioning. Return to the Enterprise at once for repairs.
Data: Zap! Pow!
Picard: If you don't give up immediately, Worf and I will torture you with our singing.
Data: A fate worse than death. Surrender is the only possible choice.

La Forge: Looks like Data got weird because someone shot him. Hey, guys, I've got an idea -- let's all go down to the planet so whoever did it can attack us, too.
Picard: Works for me.
Worf: I'm always ready for a fight. Hey, no fair! That planet is giving me pimples!
Picard: We're all getting younger? Cool. Maybe some of my hair will grow back.

Troi: How about a nice romantic bubble bath with me, Will?
Riker: Okay. You can even shave off my beard if, afterward....
Troi: You know this is a PG-rated movie, so we're going to be interrupted by another pointless plot contrivance.
Riker: Why am I not surprised?

Data: This is where it happened. Hey, look over there, in the lake! A hidden ship with a huge holodeck! Someone must be planning to abduct the villagers!
Anij: (splashing frantically) I can't swim! Help!
Picard: Sorry, my dear, but the Prime Directive won't allow....
(Uh-huh, all you P/C fans wish.)

Idiot Admiral: I'm ordering the Enterprise to return to Earth at once, so that my decrepit new pals here can get rid of the villagers and steal the secret of eternal youth.
Picard: Bite me. No way I'd do that and miss my chance to give a ridiculously melodramatic speech on Federation ethics.

Crusher: Captain, we all know you're going to disobey orders and stay on the planet to protect the villagers, and we wouldn't dream of letting you go into danger alone. (aside) Not a chance I'd leave Jean-Luc alone with that hussy Anij.
Picard: Oo, I'm so touched by your loyalty (sniff).
Data: Why is everyone looking at me? Just because I happen to be an android does not necessarily prevent me from being as stupid as the rest of you.

Ru'afo: Admiral, you know the Enterprise is gonna blow the whistle on us when it gets into communications range. That is, if we let it get that far.
Idiot Admiral: You can't order an attack on a Federation ship!
Ru'afo: Who said anything about attack? Heh heh. We're just gonna distract 'em with a nice friendly game of Tiddlywinks.

Picard: Come on, let's get these villagers up into the mountains where they'll be safe.
Crusher: Uh oh, we're already under attack! The bad guys just blew up one of our transport inhibitors and beamed away several villagers.
Worf: Maybe if we're lucky, the next one they get will be that annoying brat with the cutesy pet.

Picard: Anij, sweetie pie, I know this isn't the best time, and you're older than my great-grandmother, but what the hey, I've been in space much too long. Wanna do the nasty?
Anij: Maybe, but first I have to stupidly let some rocks fall on my head so that you can be a hero and save me.
Picard: Okay. There's a cave over here that's about to collapse. What say we all go inside?

Riker: This really sucks canal water. The Enterprise has just been chased into a nebula by attacking ships. Oh, well, no problem, we can just blow them up by igniting explosive gases. Good thing we all ate plenty of beans for lunch.

Picard: Now that I've saved Anij, she's gonna put out for sure. Oh, crud, the bad guys just got us. Now what do I do?
Anij: How about using your wonderful eloquence to persuade one of them to turn traitor?
Picard: Woo hoo, she must really love me! Even Paramount wouldn't put something that preposterous in the script, now, would they?

Idiot Admiral: This has gone far enough! I refuse to cooperate with your evil plans any longer!
Ru'afo: No problem, Admiral. Ever tried having your face stretched? You'll love it. Bwahahaha! Now there's no one to stop me from destroying this solar system with my particle-collecting gizmo!

Data: With my usual android brilliance, I have successfully accomplished the transportation of the evil Ru'afo to the holo-ship on the planet.
Picard: Woops, Ru'afo just put himself in the particle-collecting gizmo, and we can't shut down the activation sequence by remote control.
Data: You mean I was supposed to destroy the transporters on the holo-ship, too? No fair. Do you expect me to think of everything?
Picard: Looks like I have to beam over to the particle-collecting gizmo myself and save us all before the whole solar system blows up. After all this, Anij had better turn out to be worth the trouble, if you know what I mean.
Data: Not exactly.
Picard: You're fully functional, aren't you? Figure it out.

Ru'afo: Don't even think about setting the gizmo to self-destruct!
Picard: Too late, loser. I already did, and now Worf's going to beam me to safety. Oh, fiddlesticks, the bad guys just grabbed Worf. How frightfully inconvenient.

Riker: What's the range of our transporters?
Transporter Operator: Forty thousand kilometers, sir.
Riker: Okay, when we improbably show up at just the right moment to rescue Picard, let's just whiz right up next to the crumbling whatchamacallit before we beam him away. After all, Captain Geezer could use a bit more excitement in his life.
Transporter Operator: Can do. But what about Ru'afo -- shouldn't we beam him to the brig instead of leaving him to get blown up? Our Federation ethics, and all that?
Riker: Nah. I wanna kill him.

Ru'afo: AAARGHHH!
Picard: You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Worf: The guys who grabbed me have all decided to surrender. Looks like Klingon body odor is lethal to them.

Picard: Another triumph for the Enterprise. Anij, babe, now that I've had some -- um, I mean, had a wonderful and meaningful romantic interlude with you -- the stars are calling. But I'll be back to visit you when I take my next shore leave.
Anij: Yeah, right. Even I am not stupid enough to believe that.
(The Enterprise begins to blast off; time stops)

THE END

[Will Karelia]

Star Trek: First Contact

Picard: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....

Picard: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....

Admiral Hayes: Guess what? The Borg are back!
Picard: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....
Hayes: No it's not.
Picard: Crap.

Captain's Log: This is way bad. We're talking cinematic scope here.

Picard: Starfleet didn't invite us to the Borg party.
Geordi: Awww! Can't we please go place our lives in deadly peril?
Data: You could try playing phaser tag near the warp core.
Geordi: I don't mean just any old way, stupid.

Riker: So why didn't they invite us?
Picard: They don't like me! WAAAAA!
Riker: Geez, they could still have invited the rest of us.
Picard: Your sympathy is overwhelming.

Troi: Let's check what's on the radio.
Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Starfleet: YEAAGGH!
Picard: Enough! Data, switch to CHUM FM! Oh, and lay in a course for Earth.
Data: I'm not the pilot, this doomed redshirt is.
Hawk: Hi.

Worf: OW! That does it -- ram the cube.
Ensign: Wait, here comes the Enterprise!
Worf: Oo, even better. Ram that instead.
Ensign: Sir?
Worf: I don't like Riker much.

Picard: Put me through to the fleet. (ahem) Okay, everybody fire at the spot the voices in my head told me about.
Troi: Captain, I sense...suspicion of insanity.

Borg Cube: KABLAZMO!
Hawk: "Kablazmo"?
Picard: There's no accounting for sound effects. Hey, here's Worf!
Riker: Well well, look what the targ dragged in. So how does it feel to have left TNG for a far less popular show?
Worf: Permission to kill Riker, sir?
Picard: Hmm...denied. We may need him later.

Data: Uh oh. That Borg sphere just went back in time.
Picard: I must follow them back!
Data: To repair whatever damage they've done?
Picard: To give them another chance to assimilate us. It's only fair.

Lily: Here come the death missiles from space.
Zefram Cochrane: That's my cue to get drunk!

Picard: Okay, blow up the sphere. But first leave the shields down for a good, long time.
Hawk: Sigh...this doesn't bode well.

Data: Guess what, Captain? It's the day before First Contact!
Picard: The episode "First Contact" was in Season 4, you dipstick.
Data: No, actual first contact. You know, with the Vulc--
Picard: Hush, you! Do you want to spoil the dramatic revelation?

Lily: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Data: Hi. Isn't it amusing how your gunfire doesn't affect me?
Lily: No. Excuse me while I faint.

Geordi: Okay, they need me down on the planet. Is there anyone else here who's a fan favourite and shouldn't be assimilated?
Barclay: Me! Me!
Geordi: Come along. And God help the rest of you.

Data: You're touching the Phoenix. Is that an emotional thing?
Picard: Yes, I find it very touching.
Troi: And they say I'm not funny. Captain, we can't find Cochrane.
Picard: Try getting drunk.
Troi: Will that work?
Picard: Sure. Once you're drunk enough, everybody will look like Cochrane.

Porter: I'm bored. Let's all get assimilated.
Engineers: Okay.

Picard: What's that, mental voices? There are Borg on the ship? Whoa, thanks for telling me! I'd better beam back right away!
Riker: Er...Data, go with him. And replicate a straitjacket.

Borg: Little pig, little pig, let us in, let us in!
Crusher: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!
Ogawa: I don't know which is funnier: what you just said, or the fact that you answered to "little pig."

Picard: Report!
Hawk: Conditions in Engineering....pressure: Borg-like; humidity: Borg-like; temperature: Borg-like.
Picard: There are Borg on the ship!
Worf: We sure are lucky to have you around to figure these things out for us, Captain.

EMH: Please state the nature of the -- hey! What am I doing on TNG?
Crusher: Shut up and stall these Borg.
Borg: Hi.
EMH: Sigh...I don't like this show.

Picard: Okay, here's the plan: we go to Engineering, battle an overwhelmingly more powerful army of Borg, and try to release this gas which can kill cyborgs -- vaporizing ourselves instantly, of course.
Data: Captain, you're a strategic genius.

Troi: I am not drunk. You are. Hic.
Riker: Me sober and you drunk -- can we say "dream scenario"? Oh, hi, Zefram Cochrane.
Cochrane: Get lost, you lecherous bearded scumbag!
Troi: I think he likes you.

Data: Ha ha. I can turn off my emotions and you can't.
Picard: Remind me again...which one of us can be shut down by pushing a measly little button? Oh yeah -- YOU! Ha! Stupid Data!
Data: Yeah, shut up.

Crusher: I lost my 20th-century human. Find her, forehead boy.
Worf: Bah! I am a warrior, not a Lost & Found guy! Your human can strongarm Baldy for all I care!
Crusher: You call the captain Baldy?
Worf: Well, not to his face.

Borg: 10...11...okay, that's twelve of us shot. Let's adapt now.
Worf: Oh fudge. Should we run like headless chickens, Captain?
Picard: As soon as they capture Data....
Data: Whooaaaaaaa!
Picard: Okay, now.

Lily: Got your phaser! Ha ha!
Picard: Fine, fine, I'll get you off the ship.
Lily: Good. Oh, and as long as you're at gunpoint, give me all your cash and major credit cards.
Picard: Do you take Star Trek MasterCard?
Lily: No.

Borg Queen: Hi. I'm talking from offscreen.
Data: Spooky.

Cochrane: You expect me to believe your preposterous story?
Riker: Well, except the part with the vampires and the switchblade-wielding lop bunnies. I made that up.
Cochrane: Nuts, that was my favourite part.

Various Borg: Whistle while you assimilate...doo da doo da doo da doo....
Various Crewmen: Curse this montage of Borg-related clips.

Daniels: The Borg stopped on Deck 11.
Hawk: That's just deflector control. Nothing important.
Worf: Are you nuts? The deflector is one of the most vital systems on the ship!
Hawk: Look, I read the lines I'm given.

Picard: If you really want out, you can jump ship.
Lily: Can I have a bungee cord?
Picard: No.
Lily: Nuts. Guess I'd better trust you.

Borg Queen: I'm the Borg.
Data: Hi, The Borg. Can I call you The?
Queen: Shut up and look at your arm.
Data: You've put skin on it.
Queen: Right. See what I'm trying to prove?
Data: There's more than one way to skin a Data?
Queen: No, no! See the deep implications?
Data: I can finally go skinny-dipping!
Queen: Sigh...this is going to be a long movie.

Lily: So is it true that the future is X-rated?
Picard: Heck no. It's tamer than a Disney cartoon.
Lily: Oh. AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Picard: Relax, they're just Borg. Oo, I know! Let's tick them off on purpose!

Dixon Hill: Hey nosy, I need your machine gun.
Nicky the Nose: Why didn't you just have the holodeck make one for you?
Hill: Um....
Nicky: In fact, since it's just a projectile weapon, you could easily replicate enough for your entire security force, disposing of the Borg completely.
Hill: Give me the gun.
Nicky: You're not worthy.
Lily: Geez, just take it already!

Barclay: I remember you! You invented warp!
Cochrane: I remember you! You were on the A-Team!
Barclay: I prefer not to talk about my past.
Geordi: Let's talk about Zef's future instead. Think schools, statues, shuttles....
Barclay: Nooooo! Not shuttles! The Cochrane is the one from "Threshold"!
Geordi: Oh NO! I'm so sorry, guys....

Picard: The Borg are on the hull. We must go fight them.
Worf: Isn't that dangerous?
Picard: Don't worry, we're bringing a decoy.
Hawk: Hi.

Data: And now to make my getaway. OW! My skin!
Queen: Nice try. Now let's have sex.
Data: That's disgusting. Good idea.

Hawk: Let's just shoot the deflector dish.
Picard: I see two problems with this. One, it's too easy. Two, it wouldn't get you assimilated.
Hawk: Right, sorry.

Cochrane: AAAAAAAAAA! I fear my glorious future!
Riker: For this, you must be shot.
Cochrane: OW! I thought you future guys were nice and friendly!
Geordi: Will isn't representative.
Riker: Hey! I do so represent.

Picard's Console: Beep beep boop...THUNK
Worf's Console: Beep beep boop...THUNK
Hawk's Console: Beep beep boop...um...er....
Hawk: Crap, I got the defective one. AAAAAA! A Borg got me!
Picard: Yeah, they'll do that. Now I will finish your job.
Hawk's Console: THUNK
Picard: Much better. Okay, Worf, shoot down those Borg while making some sort of witty comment.
Worf: Assimilate this.
Picard: No no, witty.

Cochrane: You guys are all confusing me with the Zefram Cochrane from "Metamorphosis." I'm actually a jerk.
Riker: I don't think less of you for it.
Cochrane: You wouldn't.

Worf: Fighting the Borg is stupid.
Picard: Chicken.
Worf: If you weren't you, I'd kill you for that.
Picard: Oh, really? So if K'Elehyr miraculously came back from the dead and so much as mentioned chicken in your presence, you'd kill her again?
Worf: You know, excessive literalism is a capital offense on the homeworld.

Lily: You're out for revenge.
Picard: No I'm not, I just want to kill every last Borg for what they did to me. That's right, I said KILL! KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL!
Lily: You remind me of Moby Dick.
Picard: You mean Captain Ahab.
Lily: No, he had hair.
Picard: Whales have hair.
Lily: Not very much.
Picard: How do you know?
Lily: Stop quibbling and have your change of heart already!

Picard: Computer, blow this joint.
Computer: Oh no! You'll bring me with you, right?
Picard: Er...yeah, sure.

Picard: Worf, I'm sorry I called you a chicken and a stupid-head and a pitiful fool and a wussy weenie and a musclebound peabrain.
Worf: You only said the first one.
Picard: Oh. Well, I was thinking the others.

Cochrane: Time to launch! Just let me turn on my in-flight music.
Céline Dion: Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeeeeeel you.....
Riker: Do you think it would alter the timeline if I decapitated him?
Geordi: Just plug your ears, sir.

Lily: Aren't you coming?
Picard: No, I have to save Data from the Borg.
Lily: What? But you failed to beat them with an entire security troop!
Picard: I'm assuming they'll let me pass this time. It's one of those "just crazy enough to work" things.

Queen: Hey there, Locutus. Have yourself an epiphany.
Picard: You wanted me to join you willingly!
Queen: There you go. Don't you feel epiphanized now?
Picard: I'm sure I would if I knew what that word meant. Anyway, hand over robot-boy.
Data: Shut up, moron. I like being a Borg.
Picard: You call yourself a Borg? You're just Data with implants. Er, explants.
Data: Quit blowing my cover.

Cochrane: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! The Enterprise!
Riker: Calm down, I'm sure it's just dropping by to fire at us.

Data: Torpedo away. You know, that's fun to say.
Queen: Hey, you missed the Phoenix!
Data: The Phoenix? I thought you said Venus. Incidentally, DIE!
Queen: NOOOOOOOO! I'm melllllllllting!
Picard: Eww.

Captain's Log: You know, it is fun to say "torpedo away." Torpedo away! Torpedo away!

Riker: Here comes the unforgettable moment of first contact....
Vulcan: Live long, but nowhere near as long as us.
Cochrane: Party on, dudes.
Riker: Okay, so that was a gyp.

Picard: Farewell. I'll miss your precocity and total lack of tact.
Lily: So long. I'll miss your sobriety and total lack of hair.

Worf: We hid behind the moon and the Vulcans didn't see us.
Picard: Are you serious? Man, they really suck. Anyway, let's get out of here.
Troi: Am I the only one worried about the consequences of what we've done? Knowledge of the Borg, however slight, has now reached Earth -- so what's our excuse for not knowing anything about them in "Q Who"?
Picard: Hey! Are you one of those evil "Dark Frontier" rationalizers?
Troi: Er...no....
(The Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

[Will Karelia]

--Star Trek: Nemesis--

Romulan Officer: Senators! Allow Shinzon to unite Romulus and Remus so that our Empire can become invincible!
Romulan Praetor: Out of the question! Romulus does not need absurd Reman proposals; all we require from those backward miners are more minerals.
Senator Tal'Aura: "Minerals" as in "slabs of stone"? That can be arranged.
Romulan Senate: GAK!

Picard: We will soon be witnessing the happy union of two Starfleet officers and shipmates who for many years have secretly loved one another and....
Troi: Beverly, I'm so happy for you and Jean-Luc!
Riker: He's talking about us, Deanna.
Crusher: Did you have to remind him?

La Forge: I'm detecting positronic signatures from the surface of Kolarus III.
Picard: We should investigate. It'll give us a chance to try out our new dune buggy.
La Forge: Sir, I said "Kolarus," not "Arrakis."

Data: Look sir -- a robotic upper limb!
Picard: You'd better carry it back to the Argo, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Why me?
Picard: As a Klingon and as a tactical officer, you're the one best suited to bear arms.

Worf: Will you help me carry this robotic torso, sir?
Picard: Can't you handle it on your own?
Worf: Yes, but it's slowing me down and allowing Data to get ahead.
Data: A felicitous turn of phrase, considering what I have just found.

Worf: Enemy ground vehicles approaching at high speed!
Picard: Get in the car, fast! Worf, shoot our cannon at them! Data, fly our shuttle by remote control to the edge of that canyon! I'll swerve like a maniac to avoid their gunfire, then drive over the cliff to reach the shuttle!
Data: Now, sir, do you understand why Starfleet captains are not allowed to lead Away Missions?

Data: I would guess that this is a prototype android built by Dr. Soong.
B-4: Duh, you people look funny.
La Forge: Yeah, but he sure sounds like he was programmed by the Pakled.
B-4: You do not look funny. Are you my brother?
Data: Yes.
B-4: Do we have other brothers?
Data: Let us not go into that subject for now.

Picard: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
Riker: (over the comm) Sir, you have an incoming priority transmission.
Picard: Who is it from?
Female Voice: (over the comm) Coffee, black.
Picard: Belay that question.

Admiral Janeway: There's been a coup on Romulus. Go there at once to make sure the situation doesn't endanger the peace between the Empire and the Federation.
Picard: Good idea. We can't afford a conflict with the Romulans while we're still recovering from our war with the Dominion.
Janeway: What war? What Dominion?
Picard: Don't you know? Where have you been lately?

Data: I would like you to download my katra into B-4.
La Forge: Okay. It sounds risky, but I agree that making backup copies is always a good idea.
Data: Indeed. It proved very useful in the case of Lal.
La Forge: Among others.

Shinzon: Welcome aboard the Scimitar, Captain. I am Shinzon; this is my Reman Viceroy and childhood guardian, Uncle Nosferatu.
Picard: These are my officers -- Commander Riker, Counselor Troi....
Shinzon: (to Troi) Are you a girl? (to Riker) Is that a girl?
Riker: She's not a girl, she's my girl.
Shinzon: How delightful. The three of us should get together some evening.

Shinzon: Here is a souvenir for you -- a small sample of my blood.
Picard: What a strange token of hospitality.
Riker: Particularly since there's a Reman proverb which says, "Extend hospitality only when you expect to have it returned a millionfold."
Shinzon: There is? That's extraordinary! I've never heard of it. How very odd indeed. We must have picked it up from the Ferengi while I wasn't paying attention.

Crusher: I've analyzed the blood sample. Shinzon is a clone of the Captain.
Picard: From where do you think they got the genetic source material?
Crusher: They probably used one of your hairs.
Riker: I'm impressed. Finding one must have been a #### of a tough job.

La Forge: I've detected thalaron aboard the Scimitar.
Picard: Isn't that a type of biogenic radiation that turns people into crumbly rock statues?
Crusher: Yes. It could kill everyone on the Enterprise in a matter of seconds.
La Forge: And put some very nasty scratches in our hull's paint job too.
Picard: Whoa! Enterprise captains traditionally don't like that sort of thing.

Troi: You should get some sleep, Will.
Riker: If you want me to sleep, then you'll have to change into something less....
Shinzon's Telepathic Projection: ....attractive to party-crashers.
Troi: Eeeek! Get away from me!
Riker: Huh? What is it, Deanna? Don't tell me it's the beard again!

Reman Officer: We have recovered our android agent.
Shinzon: Good. Download all the information he stole from the Enterprise computers.
Officer: Done. It includes several Irving Berlin songs -- what shall we do with them?
Shinzon: Save them. Suitably adapted, they could be used as a powerful tool to interrogate Klingon prisoners.

Picard: You did all this just to capture me?
Shinzon: Don't be so vain. In my eyes, you're just a box on a checklist. Here, read it for yourself!
Picard: "Romulan Senate. Picard. Enterprise. Earth. Federation. Galaxy. Universe." Hmph! Sounds to me like you're a little vain yourself, Shinzon.
Shinzon: I disagree. Now keep going! Nobody stops reading in the middle of one of my checklists!

Reman Guard: It's surprising that a robot as dumb as you was able to fool the humans so well, B-4.
(WHUMP!)
Data: Our escape route is now clear, sir, and I have analyzed Shinzon's thalaron weapon system.
Picard: Good work, Data. That will teach the Remans to underestimate you.
Data: Or to call me a robot instead of an android.

Crusher: I think that Shinzon is after your blood. His cells will break down unless he gets a transfusion from you.
Picard: How much of my blood does he need to survive?
Crusher: Let me put it this way. By the time Shinzon's finished with you, our archival images of Locutus will look suntanned by comparison.

Data: You are dangerous. I must deactivate you.
B-4: But I am too childlike to be the cause of any trouble.
Data: I believe that numerous parents of two-year-olds would dispute that statement.

La Forge: Shinzon's thalaron weapon could kill an entire planet's population.
Picard: His plan must be to attack Earth. By destroying the human race, he'll cripple the whole Federation and leave it wide open to invasion.
Riker: That means everything we humans believe in will be lost -- cooperation, peace, justice, humility....

Riker: We're under attack!
Picard: Shields up! Return fire!
Worf: In which direction? The Scimitar is cloaked!
Picard: Then all hands draw cutlasses and prepare to repel boarders!
Riker: Isn't that kind of an old-fashioned naval tactic, sir?
Picard: Just be glad that my ancestors fought at Trafalgar rather than Salamis.

Shinzon: Surrender, Captain.
Picard: Give up your anger, Shinzon. Think of what a better person you could become -- a great and noble and respected man, just like me.
Shinzon: And where does my transfusion fit into all this?
Picard: Well, uh...actually, that's a good question.

Shinzon: Open fire at the Enterprise!
Viceroy: ARGGGGH! The Betazoid empath! She's entering my thoughts!
Shinzon: Are they trying to target their weapons telepathically?
Viceroy: No! She's trying to control me with her mind! (pause) I sense...confusion.
Shinzon: She appears to have succeeded.

Picard: Switch viewer to widescreen mode...perhaps that will help us to see Shinzon's cloaked ship.
(KA-BOOM!)
Picard: I didn't mean quite that wide a view.

Data: We have no torpedoes left and our phasers are down to four percent.
La Forge: That won't be enough against their shields.
Picard: So much for the Trafalgar method. Flight control, steer directly towards the Scimitar and go to ramming speed!
Helmsman: Sir, that'll wreck the saucer section! I can't bring myself to do it!
Picard: Then we'll need an experienced person for the job. Counselor, take the helm!

Picard: How long before the damaged Scimitar can fire its thalaron weapon at us?
La Forge: Seven minutes.
Picard: Then I'm going over there. Prepare for a site-to-site transport.
La Forge: Sir, all our transports are from one site to another. That's what the word "transport" means.
Picard: I think you've been spending too much time around Data, Mr. La Forge.

La Forge: Transporters are down. We have no way to bring the Captain back.
Data: What if I hopped over there and brought him the emergency personal transport unit?
La Forge: Then we'd have no way to get you back.
Data: Even if I trailed a very long bungee cord behind me?
La Forge: We don't have any aboard. Starfleet gave those up when it invented tractor beams.
Data: Then I believe it is time for me to start quoting Vulcan philosophy.

Shinzon: You can't defeat me in a knife duel, Picard! I have too much skill and too much concentration!
(SWISH!)
Picard: Ouch! You've cut me! I'm bleeding!
Shinzon: Great! Hold on a minute while I get my blood-collection kit!
(THUNK!)
Shinzon: GAK!

Data: Use this device to beam to the Enterprise, sir. I will stay and blow up the thalaron weapon.
Picard: I will not leave you here to die!
Data: Do not worry about me. The Kobayashi Maru has just arrived to reinforce us. They will beam me out in the nick of time.
Picard: Ah, well, that's all right then...no, wait a minute!
(BEAM)
Scimitar: KER-BLAM!

Picard: We are gathered here to pay tribute to the memory of a courageous shipmate who gave his life in the line of duty....
Tasha's Ghost: Mind if I sit in on this?
Picard: That seems only fair.

Picard: Those four pips look good on you, Will. Have you gotten used to your new title?
Captain William Troi: Not yet, sir.

Picard: What are you reading, B-4?
B-4: A book with pretty pictures.
Picard: Let me see. Hmm -- "A Visitor's Guide to Mount Seleya." An interesting choice. Well, when you get tired of reading, here's a musical recording you might enjoy.
B-4: "H.M.S. Pinafore"? Why is this good music to listen to?
Picard: Come with me to the shuttlebay and I'll explain.
(The Spacedock crews repair the damaged Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

[Vorak]

LOL It's so good haha!
I especially like the beginning, where Picard goes 3 times "AAAAAAAA wait, it's a dream" lol.
And also how Hawk always comes in "hi". lol

[Vorak]

Ooohhhh a new parody! Will have to read this soon!

If there was space in the Expansion yearbook, I'd put them in there with your approval, but the second yearbook is already too full. Maybe the third http://expansionfleet.sparks.priorweb.be/ikonboard/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'>

[Yagr Ramsey]

I wish I could write as good as you
ROFLMAOx10,000,000
do an Insurrection parody some time